Cat Life tip #3 - It's all Lies Lies Lies Lies Lies
Welcome to today's Winnie press conference. I'd like to begin with a prepared statement.
How graphic do you want me to be?
"What are the choices?"
"You don't want to know" - or - "Oh, god that's awful"
"Uhhhhhh, You don't want to know?"
Okay, you asked.
You can basically break it down into five easy steps. I should know - after doing this five times, you become an expert. I'm pretty sure I could do a human birth after this.
First the kitten comes out in a sack. Not burlap or anything like that, but more like a crappy plastic wrap. The key is to break the sack so the kitten can breathe. Winnie was supposed to break the sack with her licking. She did not. Worse yet, on the first kitten, she was licking it's butt and not it's face. Consequently, I had to rub the sack with towel to break it open. I aimed for the face. We repeated this for all five kittens despite me saying "Winnie, lick here" after each one.
Secondly, each kitten comes with it's own placenta. Which doesn't seem like a big deal until you realize that the cat has to birth the placenta as well. So it's not really five births, it's ten. Winnie had full-on given up doing births after the fifth kitten. At least I assume so, the last placenta was a long time coming and she had pretty much fallen asleep. Eventually, we worked it out, but not without some consternation. I should also mention that Winnie is supposed to eat the placenta. She politely declined. Five times.
Thirdly, the umbilical cord. In a similar turn of events as the sack, Winnie did NOT chew through the cord. Following some advice of folks on the internets, I tried to use dental floss to cut/sever the cord. Let me just say that using dental floss to try to "saw" through an umbilical cord does not work. It could be the dental floss I was using, but "sawing" seems like a counter-intuitive action for dental floss. (I probably should have known this since I have used floss before, but the pressure-cooker of the situation had me scrambling.) While I am attempting to saw away, the helpless kitten is mewing and crawling around dragging the placenta behind it. Did I mention that the biggest kittens weigh four ounces and are completely blind? No pressure on that one. So I tied the dental floss in a butchers knot around the placenta and pulled as tight as I could. I really, really hoped it would sever it, but no such luck. I had to resort to using my good kitchen shears for cutting the cord. Marlee says she's never going to let me use the shears again. My stance is that I fail to see how this is any different than when I break down a chicken carcass for stock with the shears and then wash them.
Fourthly, wet kittens. Winnie is supposed to lick them clean. She made a valiant effort, but when you're dropping a kitten every thirty minutes, that's a tight window. I had to use a towel to dry off/stimulate the kittens to help get their juices flowing.
That's five right? Next question.
That's not a question. Next question.
Terrible question. Next question.
See, that's a great question. Yes. Winnie didn't have a choice. Her water broke while she was on the couch with Marlee; after that she got shut in the bathroom where the only soft place was inside the box. Although frankly, I think she would have dropped the kittens anywhere but the box if I hadn't stayed to pet her the whole time. Kind of like a kitten drop off. "Here ya go, see you next Tuesday!" I had every confidence that should would find a clean laundry basket or some other undesirable location if left to her own devices and we hadn't "forced" her into the box. Next question
I'm NEVER doing this again. Next question.
Of course! Despite me asking Winnie to put time on my calendar, she never did, so I had to make due. When I wasn't doing all of the work, I was petting Winnie. If you've ever seen a Bond movie, you know that it's possible to pet a cat and hatch evil plans, so I had that going for me. I did have a few awkward conference calls though. It can be tough to answer questions about staff resource allocation percentages while simultaneously trying to catch a kitten getting hurled at you, even if it is a change up. Next question.
Well, I have five kittens now, which makes us a six cat house. I think that's just below the legal limit for dealing, but I'm trying to calculate the litter costs to see how I really feel. At least it's not eight kittens!
Thank you for your questions. This press conference is over.
With grit and determination, I was able to overcome all obstacles between me and kittendom. I'm proud to be the best cat birthing assistant in this house. A new bar has been set that shall never be surpassed, Questions?
What does helping a cat give birth actually entail?
How graphic do you want me to be?
"What are the choices?"
"You don't want to know" - or - "Oh, god that's awful"
"Uhhhhhh, You don't want to know?"
Okay, you asked.
You can basically break it down into five easy steps. I should know - after doing this five times, you become an expert. I'm pretty sure I could do a human birth after this.
First the kitten comes out in a sack. Not burlap or anything like that, but more like a crappy plastic wrap. The key is to break the sack so the kitten can breathe. Winnie was supposed to break the sack with her licking. She did not. Worse yet, on the first kitten, she was licking it's butt and not it's face. Consequently, I had to rub the sack with towel to break it open. I aimed for the face. We repeated this for all five kittens despite me saying "Winnie, lick here" after each one.
Secondly, each kitten comes with it's own placenta. Which doesn't seem like a big deal until you realize that the cat has to birth the placenta as well. So it's not really five births, it's ten. Winnie had full-on given up doing births after the fifth kitten. At least I assume so, the last placenta was a long time coming and she had pretty much fallen asleep. Eventually, we worked it out, but not without some consternation. I should also mention that Winnie is supposed to eat the placenta. She politely declined. Five times.
Thirdly, the umbilical cord. In a similar turn of events as the sack, Winnie did NOT chew through the cord. Following some advice of folks on the internets, I tried to use dental floss to cut/sever the cord. Let me just say that using dental floss to try to "saw" through an umbilical cord does not work. It could be the dental floss I was using, but "sawing" seems like a counter-intuitive action for dental floss. (I probably should have known this since I have used floss before, but the pressure-cooker of the situation had me scrambling.) While I am attempting to saw away, the helpless kitten is mewing and crawling around dragging the placenta behind it. Did I mention that the biggest kittens weigh four ounces and are completely blind? No pressure on that one. So I tied the dental floss in a butchers knot around the placenta and pulled as tight as I could. I really, really hoped it would sever it, but no such luck. I had to resort to using my good kitchen shears for cutting the cord. Marlee says she's never going to let me use the shears again. My stance is that I fail to see how this is any different than when I break down a chicken carcass for stock with the shears and then wash them.
Fourthly, wet kittens. Winnie is supposed to lick them clean. She made a valiant effort, but when you're dropping a kitten every thirty minutes, that's a tight window. I had to use a towel to dry off/stimulate the kittens to help get their juices flowing.
That's five right? Next question.
You make it sound you did all the work.
That's not a question. Next question.
Okay... What was Winnie doing if you were doing all of this?
Terrible question. Next question.
You previously talked about a cat birth box. Did that get used?
See, that's a great question. Yes. Winnie didn't have a choice. Her water broke while she was on the couch with Marlee; after that she got shut in the bathroom where the only soft place was inside the box. Although frankly, I think she would have dropped the kittens anywhere but the box if I hadn't stayed to pet her the whole time. Kind of like a kitten drop off. "Here ya go, see you next Tuesday!" I had every confidence that should would find a clean laundry basket or some other undesirable location if left to her own devices and we hadn't "forced" her into the box. Next question
What did you mean that a "new bar had been set that would never be surpassed"?
I'm NEVER doing this again. Next question.
You mentioned work. Did you get any work done?
Of course! Despite me asking Winnie to put time on my calendar, she never did, so I had to make due. When I wasn't doing all of the work, I was petting Winnie. If you've ever seen a Bond movie, you know that it's possible to pet a cat and hatch evil plans, so I had that going for me. I did have a few awkward conference calls though. It can be tough to answer questions about staff resource allocation percentages while simultaneously trying to catch a kitten getting hurled at you, even if it is a change up. Next question.
How do you feel now that the birthing process is over?
Well, I have five kittens now, which makes us a six cat house. I think that's just below the legal limit for dealing, but I'm trying to calculate the litter costs to see how I really feel. At least it's not eight kittens!
Thank you for your questions. This press conference is over.
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